Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Out with 2014


As the years turns over into the new, I'm taking a look back on 2014.  There have been some positives and one of the biggest for me was to have my #sociopath #narcissist #abuser walk out of my life forever! 


Okay so I had to give him the boot, but he still carried himself out my door!


Tonight I will celebrate my freedom and raise my glass to healing.  I wish each of you an emotionally healthy New Year.


Because it's a new beginning I'm not looking at the past today.  Be safe and have a wonderful New Year.



Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Where is he now?

Do you ever find yourself struggling for words while trying to explain what happened in your life?  Forget trying to find the words that may describe what has happened to your mind.  They totally escape me other than to say, I may now be certifiably insane.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what took place.  That makes me the victim, not him, although, I prefer to think of myself as a survivor.


While he ran off into the sunset proclaiming, not his love for another woman, but a love for her convenience, I am left scratching my head.  I fired a warning shot via text, but she thinks she is special.  She is special and will soon find out just how special she is.  Oh well, I tried.


He wants to tear her to shreds, and he will; she won't be aware of what's taking place until it's too late.  He is taking the plunge as quickly as possible so that he can get down to his dirty business.  He will proclaim his Christianity while in the throes of her spiritual demolition.   I want to tell her, "Honey, he wants your soul".  He is the devil himself and she will soon see it in his eyes, while he revels in her misery, with his evil smile plastered on his face.


What does he want?  He wants it all without making any real commitment or sacrifice.  The victim will sacrifice almost everything.  He wants worship and praise.  He will also get it!  Those of us who they prey upon, have something to offer; the narcissist with his sense of entitlement is going to take it whether you give it up or not.  He wouldn't be in your life if there wasn't something he was going to gain monetarily by being with you. 


As I told someone earlier today is, "What's weird is, I don't believe that I was weak or desperate. I was very independent, had money and had a good self-esteem. The problem was, as his brainwashing progressed, I lost pieces of myself. Eventually, I found myself so caught up in his games that I couldn't see the reality of what was taking place."

Now I have set out to inform others, educate myself on #narcissist #abuse and attempt to collect the chunks of myself that he ripped from me and threw aside.  It's called healing and it's taking place a little at a time.


I thought I had met Captain Caveman and it turns out he was the Tasmanian Devil, biding his time before devouring most of my self-esteem, money and self worth.



My Letter to Her




I was like you many years ago.  To my knowledge he wasn't married or living with another woman at the time, although you knew about me.  In a sense you had a warning in that.  I know he gained your sympathy by telling you how awful I was, and that's okay with me.  I also know that you feel incredibly special and cared for right now.  I did too, as did the others before me.


He asked me to marry him many times, and each time I refused.  So maybe you're not so special, but you can revel in that feeling for a bit.  Enjoy the honeymoon for as long as it lasts; it's going to change one day very soon.  You're going to see various personality shifts coming your way in the near future, and like me you aren't going to like them. He'll try to convince you that you're responsible for his shortfalls and cruelty.  Don't buy into what he's telling you - it's him, not you.  You'll find yourself modifying who you are in an attempt to placate him - sadly enough.  I know because I did this too.


The subtle put downs will start within months.  Something won't feel quite right, but you won't be able to put your finger on exactly what it is.  I notice you don't smile in your pictures; you never show your teeth.  That tells me he already has something to "joke" and tease you about.  Has he already started?  Don't worry, it will all be in good fun and he'll ask you (if you take offense), "Can't you take a joke?" or tell you, "You have no sense of humor!"  You're also going to hear things such as, "You're too sensitive."  He may even say, “You’re too intense!”


I want you to know that it's not you.  I will tell you this over and over again.  Remember my words.


Eventually a tickle of a memory of me is going to come to you, but you're going to push away any thoughts of “me” for the time being - I tried to warn you.


I hated what you had done until I realized that this was my way out.  No longer could he follow me and I hoped with you in his life, he might stay away from me.  I could now have some peace.  Did he tell you he wanted to stay with me?  Did he tell you that he thought he could come back into my home and my life?  I doubt if he did.  I also doubt that he told you he thought he would come home and pick up where we had left off.  My life with him was hell and I knew that wasn't an option.  I had no desire to live in his misery while trying to deal with his demons.


I had trips planned so I left town twice.  I wouldn't take him with me, and being in his physical presence made me sick.  I also didn't want him moving out while I was gone.  I tried to play nice, as difficult as that was.  I didn't want him taking any of my things.  He took some of my things anyway - much to my dismay.  I really wanted to slap the shit out of him and you will too eventually.  You may even do it!


I doubt he told you that two weeks after he came home, he told me he knew I would never forgive him for what he'd done.  Of course I was out of town when he sent me the text in mid July.  Men such as him are cowards and predicable.  He slithered out of my life without any of the sexual magnetism or curb appeal that he had come in with.


I actually said horrible things about you initially and called you all sorts of names.  I've resolved those feelings and now hold only pity for you and your children.  I pray that he leaves them alone, but he won't.  He may even use your older children as allies while attacking you.  It will be done playfully and slyly, but it will still hurt.


I also want you to know that when he throws the mean things I said about your physical appearance in your face, I'm sorry.  He will do this with pleasure.  I also attacked your character due to the fact that you knew he was with me.  You deserved that one.  I was hurt and angry and I'm sure you can understand. 


I have read some of the things you've said, and you remind me of me to some extent.  You're independent, you stick up for yourself, and you believe that he will too.  You're wrong of course.  You will be thrown under the bus at any and every opportunity.  Soon you will see that like me, you're not so tough.  Your mind will be bent just as mine was.  I made the ultimate sacrifice - my mind for a time, and so will you.


You wouldn't be happy to know that he sends me messages.  He misses my smile, which of course is an insult to yours.  He also misses and loves us.  Do you know he tells others that he doesn't love you?  Do you know he says you are a convenience?  Did you know that he was dating other women up until he moved in with you?  Do you know what a tough time he had leaving me, even though I ignored him and refused to call him?  I changed my number.  Do you know that he wanted to say good bye?  I didn't respond however, and you know none of this.  He didn't want to let go.  It's all about his ego.  He never loved me, just as he will never love you.


Do you still feel special?  I'm sorry for the harsh words but it's always about him, the narcissist or perhaps as suggested by others, he is a sociopath.


You have a good job, own a home, and I believe you are probably a decent person.  You're the type of woman who cares about others, are full of compassion and you may have truckloads of loyalty.  I know this because without these traits, he couldn't do what he's about to do to you.  I also know that he will attempt to conquer you completely.  You may become a shell of your former self.  Stay strong!


  Once again, know that when he starts on you or you see these things, it's not you.


 Remember my words when people he has access to start treating you differently.  This has nothing to do with you, but he will be telling them terrible stories about you.  You may sense that something is off but won't know what it is.  If he is working with women it's going to get particularly ugly.  It's not personal, it's what he does, although, it's still painful for you.


It won't be long before he starts gathering his army in preparation for what's about to take place.  I call it his fan club and it consists primarily of women.  It's his back up just as you were.  He can't destroy you without them.  And he will attempt to destroy you and smear your reputation - with a smile on his face.  He may already be leaving the crumbs in preparation.


He will be jealous of any outside relationships you may have.  Oh, and your ex-husband will be a burr in his britches.  He will complain of him often, leaving you feeling guilty that you have a decent relationship with your ex; one that's healthy for your children.  He will undermine this as well, or he will attempt to win your ex over to his side.  I bet you didn't know there were going to be sides in this did you?  This is an all-out war between good and evil.  I hope you have a good support group.


Later in your relationship (if you can call it that) you will think of me often.  You may be feeling a little crazy and want to reach out to me.  You will wonder where your joy went just as I did.  The circles you are running in at this point, will keep you dizzy.  He likes doing that.


About now you may also be wondering how you’re going to extract yourself, or kick him out.  If you put his name on your house or sold it so the “two” of you had a house that was "ours" and not yours, it's going to be difficult.  He tried that with me and thank God I never did it.  I bet the two of you had a joint bank account right away didn't you?  Why do you think he has a savings?  You can't seriously believe that he worked a day for that money, can you?


This is when it's going to get tough.  You may be feeling like you made a huge mistake and you did! You have no idea that he is most likely still sending me messages, do you?  He always told me that I was the one.  I had a target on my heart and he took advantage of my goodness just as he is yours.  No, I don't feel special and at this time, neither do you.


I want you to know that you are going to try and make it work many times over.  You may think about ending it, and for your emotional health that would be for the best.  You won't do it for a while though.  I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through now.  I understand it because I was where you are.  When the time is right you can reach out to me and I will talk to you.


I have my angel and she has been there for me just as I will be here for you.  He will never know that you talked to me.  I kept my angel a secret for many years.  She knew when I tried to make it work again, and she also knew when I'd had enough. 


I’ve also had other women message me that he had hurt with his lies and manipulation.  Did I forget to mention the other women?  Their secrets are safe with me just as yours will be.  If you choose to go back and try again, our conversations will be our little secret.  Know that he will never change, as sad as that is.  Also know that it's not you.


You’re asking yourself now how all this came about. 


It happened,


By Chance




Copyright © 2014

















































































































































































Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Attempting Extraction





I have experienced much drama in my attempts to disengage from my abuser/narcissist.  He has made it almost impossible to extract him fully from my life.  He holds on to my family members that he had little to do with prior to his removal from mine.  I consider him a malignancy that has enveloped what he sees as fodder for his ego.  He has bypassed me and my attempts to completely eliminate him.  He strives to infiltrate my life as much as possible.


They put a vast amount of energy into creating the perfect façade.  To those on the outside he is invariably successful in leading them to believe he is amazing.  His appeal and charm are his performance for his public audience.  His chameleon like persona is an essential  tool in his bag of tricks. 
There have been occasions that I found myself attempting to convey to another person what he has done to me.  Unless they have lived it, it's rarely a successful endeavor.  I'm almost certain it has had the opposite effect at times and has left people scratching their heads in wonder.  After all, who could behave in the manner that I describe?  I can answer that question in one word,  a #narcissist. The man whose smile never quite reached his eyes.  The man who learned to portray himself as a victim as a ploy to tempt new and unsuspecting women into worship. 


Why would I stay with such a man if he were so incredibly awful to me?  In part self doubt and my thought processes weren't what they had been at the beginning.  First he captured my heart and later, consumed my mind.  It's a sick game that one can never win.  They don't love you, but strive to feed off of you in their endless quest for their narcissist supply. 






Sunday, December 14, 2014

Eyes With No Soul




 People asked, "What's up with his lifeless eyes?"  I couldn't answer the question. I only felt the pain in his "light", which occurred when he was being cruel.  Then his eyes were on fire, as if his soul had come alive.

  Alina calls it his "shark eyes".  It's a look that's difficult to describe.  His eyes became slits and his grin reached them - it was never a good thing when this happened.  People seeing his photos would often tell me there is something not quite right in those eyes, or ask me what's wrong with him.  When I run across random pictures of "him", I can see it now.  Why couldn't I see it then?  I believe it's because I chose not to.  I let him fool me into believing he was capable of love.  They are vacant, as if no one is home.  I peer at photos with a completely different perspective now.  While the corners of his lips may be upturned, the smile never reaches his eyes.


  There were many times I experienced his "shark eyes".  While he was telling me how much he was putting in his savings while I paid the majority of household bills; they lit up.  While he was tormenting me, they came alive.  My misfortunes were the highlights of his day.  Occasionally, he seemed normal, almost as if he were a real person.  Trickery was once again at work.


  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but what if there is no soul?  I don't mean that literally.  He proclaimed his Christianity the entire time he was cheating, undermining, abusing, and lying to me.  Maybe he meant well, but in his #narcissism he couldn't help but think only of himself. He didn't mean to do it!


  A relative recently relayed a story to me...  He is on a social site like many of us are.  She said if she saw one more shirtless selfie, she was going to throw up.  He posts them as if they are his lifeline.   Narcissist/abusers have to be the focus.  If at any point they aren't, it's often at their partners expense that they once again become the focus.  They want to be seen as the most amazing, the best and their ego has to be fed at anyone's expense.  With their superficial charm and false charisma, they fool us all up to a point.


  They are always looking for what they believe is a step up.  My narcissist said, "The next one will be an ugly one."  He continued with, "That way she won't leave me."  How pitiful that someone would think in those terms.  Always look to the eyes, they don't lie.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

From Pearls to Swine



Seth had often told me about a past relationship that he felt in part, had come to an abrupt halt because she had shared details of their relationship with others.  He had started instilling in me early on that it was wrong to discuss our problems with others.  Looking back this was a mission in his brainwashing process.  I wasn’t to talk about what he was doing to me, or look for validation from an outside source that his treatment or words were damaging and demoralizing.  Had I listened to Seth I may have lost my marbles altogether.  Eventually I would start talking and find it difficult to keep quiet.  I felt I was losing my mind and could no longer concentrate or complete a simple task without hearing his words echoing within my head.  He was consuming me.  

     It was as if I was caught up in a vortex and couldn't catch my breath, or ever get my balance.  Nothing I did made him happy.  I didn’t realize then it wasn’t up to me, and it was a choice he had made on his own.  He chose to be miserable.  It was as if he couldn’t bear to see me feel joy or happiness.  If he couldn’t have it, then neither could I.  I was becoming a dim version of my former self.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Narcissism is an Ugly Thing.

 There was a point that I removed most of the mirrors in the house. My bad? I could no longer stand to watch him strut around naked, stop at every mirror along the way, and strike poses that impressed only him. He would flex his muscles, turn sideways and suck in his belly while pulling his leg up. What's up with that? It was making me physically sick to see his admiration of himself.

  He would say, "Look at me!" "Do you ever see men my age, or even younger men who look as good as I do?" "Don't you want me?"


  How could I? I was tired of the dance and had figured out his game. Why would I set myself up for rejection once again? Besides, the attraction was no longer there. If I had said "yes", which I had done before, he would look at me and start laughing. He only wanted the confirmation of being desired, not the actual act.

Narcissism is an ugly thing.


I made the mistake of putting one mirror back up.  Oh my!





nar·cis·sism
ˈnärsəˌsizəm/
noun
noun: narcissism
  1. excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.
    synonyms:vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism, egoism
    "his emotional development was hindered by his mother's narcissism"
    antonyms:modesty
    • Psychology
      extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
    • Psychoanalysis
      self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

Friday, November 28, 2014

My One Christmas Wish










I have been taking many trips down memory lane lately. After some thought I realize, "if only" any survivor of abuse or anyone living it, could have peace in their hearts and minds - that would be my one Christmas wish.


I used "if only", which for me are words I often heard from him.  If only... If only...  If only and only you. 


Sometimes it was "only you" as if no one else could possibly do the stupid things he claimed I did, or make the mistakes and human errors I inevitably would.  Never misplace something or there was hell to pay.  Never do something he considered unacceptable, or the condescending words would flow freely from his mouth.


For those of you who know no peace, my heart goes out to you.  For those like me who still relive or replay an abusers' words in their minds, my heart goes out to you too.


I know that for many, the giving of Christmas gifts is a wish and a prayer.  I understand that also, and it's the spirit of the mind and soul that make the season what it is.

Imagine one day of peace in the world and in every home.


That is my Christmas wish for you.






Thursday, November 27, 2014

I Have Endured







Sometimes we miss what we are most familiar with, even when it’s not healthy.   The soothing hum of a rusty, antiquated furnace as it blows warm air and carbon monoxide throughout the house; a favorite pair of old nasty tennis shoes infested with athlete’s foot, or the predicable performance of an abuser.
 As the holidays approach, the void left may be palpable even though the behavior will never be missed. The Grinch is no longer lingering on the sofa, glaring with his lifeless eyes which are void of any light or tenderness.  No longer is there anyone to suck the delight from the spirit of the season, yet, a small abyss remains. 
Steadfast complaints of gift buying, no longer fall on suffering ears.  The guilt of sharing has taken a two state hike in order to torture another soul.  Perhaps the pretending will remain through Christmas; giving the new prey room to breathe for a time - before his hell begins in earnest. 
The rhythm of a heartbeat proclaims it’s still there.  A warm body full of courage and hope, both hiding and healing from the pain of a phantom love.  It will heal...














 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Another Secret

  After much consideration, I've decided to share one of my own issues that resulted after years of his abuse.  The aftermath of being beaten down verbally was harsh.  I had reached my lowest point about three months prior to his hasty departure.  I could take no more.  There was nothing left in me to give.  He was relentless in his attacks, and I felt worthless, unloved and undeserving of love.


  I felt as though no one liked me any longer, and I had become apprehensive in my approach to people.  He made sure to tell me whenever possible, that they didn't like me.  He would tell me often  that my family said I was crazy, or that they were making fun of me behind my back.  He told me people I had just met asked him, why I gave them dirty looks and told him they didn't like me.  The problem was, I had started to believe what he said to me.  He was alienating me as much as possible with his underhanded methods.


  He repeated what he said others told him about me.  What he said was rarely, if ever, positive.  I felt attacked in every aspect of my being.  He said I was lazy, although, I was working six days a week.  He said he would have quit my job if it had been his decision.  He hated my hours and said it left us no time with each other.  He was totally unreasonable with his, not so subtle demands.  He was tired of cooking dinner and didn't understand why I never cooked.  I made breakfast and didn't get home until nine in the evening.  I tried reasoning with him to no avail.  I don't know why I bothered.  I told him I would fix dinner after I was home if he wanted me to.  Still, he feigned ignorance as to the whys of my not being able to cook the evening meal.  He insisted that he eat early in the evenings which made it impossible for me and he knew it.  Sundays we barbecued and I would prepare everything.  He would throw it on the grill and complain that he still had to cook.  His put downs and attacks were embellished by his sense of entitlement.


  Between the "HI's" and the "What are you doing tomorrows" that came in rapid, unending succession, I was quickly becoming a stressed out mess.  I was getting no peace and found myself afraid to do or say anything.  My emotional piranha gave me no breaks - he was relentless.  His smug arrogance allowed him to feel no pangs of conscience, where most would. 


  I had begun to think that being run over by a truck was a happier ending than the one I was living.  I no longer cared.  I quit going places and when we were invited out, he set me up for failure.  I felt entirely alone.  I didn't believe that anyone understood what was taking place.  I heard that he and I just brought out the worst in each other.  I gave up trying to explain what he was doing to my psyche.


  I was in a  confused state of mind, and my focus was on trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  I became disorganized in my thinking.  I became incapable of thinking rationally with regard to our relationship.  I was looking forward to that truck.  I didn't care if I lived or died.  I had a talk with God and told him that I was ready whenever he was. 


  That was my lowest point and it lasted about a month.  Not much later, God and I had another talk after my epiphany, early one morning.  While sitting on my back steps I looked up and asked him to remove the evil, destructive man from my life.  I begged him for help and he answered my prayer.  I realized my abuser had taken all my personal power.  In reality I had let him, but not intentionally. I had never met a person who I would consider to be a truly bad one.  I can no longer say that.  I know now that he isn't a good person at all.  I had made a very bad choice in allowing him into my life.  I didn't listen to that little voice as it told me to run.


  If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, it's time to escape.  I felt alone and terrified of what he would do to me next mentally.  I never want anyone to live like this.  Reach out to someone and do what I didn't, run!


Thursday, October 30, 2014

Blowing in the Wind

 
Fortunately life moves forward, and each day brings new moments and new memories.  I try not to look back, but with each message he sends I cringe, even before it's open.  The memories that assault me from the past aren't good ones.  Most times I have nothing to say in response.  My one response, the only response to him was to say, "The nicest thing you ever did for me was leave."  I believe that with all my heart.  His messages vary from moment to moment, swaying from anger to love, like willow branches on a windy day.

  I've decided I no longer need a brain where he's concerned.  With each message he attempts to define me as if there is no separation between us. We are states apart, however, someone needs to tell him I'm not his property, or an extension of him.  I don't complete him, and he most certainly never completed me.  He terrorized me emotionally.

 His words,  "I miss your smile" doesn't bring one to my lips, nor does, "Love always" have any meaning to me when he sends it.  He never loved me and telling myself that, has no impact on me.  That realization came many months ago, like a slap across my face.  I'm over it now and know it had nothing to do with me.  I know him well, yet, I don't know him at all.  Such a contradiction he is.

  When he said, "Love and miss us" it made me physically sick.  What's to miss?  I can think of nothing.  Yes, I did love him at one time, but he took that love, abused it, and destroyed it with his cruel words.  It meant nothing to him.  I was nothing to him.

  The all caps are his attempt to yell at me I suppose.  I don't hear them any longer.  He's an anomaly.  I find myself wondering what his new woman would think of his attempts to stir memories of us.  I have nothing left to say to him.  Apathetic is the new me with regard to him.  I feel only pity for the both of them.  Her, because she has no idea that she will no longer be free to be simply herself.  Soon she will be playing the circle game, and like me she won't understand what's taking place.  She will lose pieces of herself a little at a time.

  The words, " I honestly hope and wish you to be happy, find peace and someone to treat you like you need"  left me baffled.  I had so much to say in response to those words.  Such as:  Gosh you made it so simple for any man to one up you.  Treat me like I need?  Oh, you mean with respect and love don't you?  I doubt you want me to be happy.  I believe you want me pining away for a loss that isn't.  I didn't say any of these things.  I pity him and his inability to feel.  I'm glad that I am out of his crazy loop and haven't missed him for a moment. 

  I had to forgive him for myself and no one else.  My life goes on.  I'm happy and I'm free of his oppression and sadistic ways.  Sadly he never will be...