http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Verbal-Abuse-Newsletter-by-Patricia-Evans.html?soid=1101443223685&aid=5MZZVSpjpgk

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Verbal-Abuse-Newsletter-by-Patricia-Evans.html?soid=1101443223685&aid=5MZZVSpjpgk

In the SHADOW of a SOCIOPATH by Chance

For anyone who has lived in the shadow of a sociopath…

Life after he/she is gone is a plethora of emotions.  Relief was my first feeling when I walked into my home, which had only recently been vacated by him.  I felt exuberance as my second feeling.  Anger would come to me later when I realized he'd stolen some of my things.

I put him out of my mind, with the exception of the healing process. I had been with my sociopath for seven long years.  I didn't know at the time this would become his label, sociopath.  My own personal in house Hitler had inflicted an immense amount of damage.  I wasn’t an informed participant which made it much more harrowing.  He captured my mind under the pretense of love.

My new life without him was truly a blessing.  I thought, “This is going to be easy!”  I believed he would leave me alone, as any normal person would.  He hadn’t in the past, but I thought this breakup would be different. I attempted to cut off all contact, and I still trusted that a minute part of him was a rational person.  I was wrong.

He insisted on contacting me and had a myriad of excuses for doing so.  They were his attempts at manipulation.  There were messages of longing, loving, missing me and of course, flattery.  I recognized his endeavors to suck me back into his sick and twisted world.  I refused to fall for his games.  I also knew he never loved me and had used me as only someone like him can.  He is incapable of love.  Each time he sent a message, it set me back.  I was traumatized all over again.  This was deliberate.  They know what they're doing! When I quit responding, he contacted family members.  He started passing messages through them.  He shared information he wanted them to pass along to me.  They had no idea he was forming his triangle which is what people such as him do.  He was still manipulating everyone around him, although they couldn't see it.  His declarations of innocence were propaganda and spoon fed to anyone who would listen.

On a personal note, I attempted to explain to family members what he was doing.  My pleas for understanding went unheeded by only a couple.  After all, they had never lived with the sociopath and had only witnessed what he chose to reveal to them.  Maybe they had no idea how painful it was for me while they remained in contact with him.  I expected unabashed loyalty, because that’s how I am.  That’s one of my qualities that allowed him to take a stronghold in my life.  If I care about you, I will die defending you.  The other quality is assuming everyone is a reasonable person, he’s not.

While you're still participating in the triangulation, it’s hurtful to the survivor.  Exes stalk through children and various other sources.  It’s never okay, and if you allow him in, he gets a win.  That's the only time he has a real feeling, and it's his thrill!  The messages you have just relayed, have most likely already been addressed by me.  How can he appear to be a victim, unless he can vilify the survivor?  If you weren't contributing to his mind games, I could move forward and heal at a quicker pace. 

I don't know if people understand that by acknowledging the sociopath or abuser, they invalidate the feelings of those who are in his shadow, and it's considered a betrayal.  Each occurrence is a physical blow which takes me back to a time when he was controlling my life completely. So, if you find yourself cut out of my life or another person’s, it’s because we have to save ourselves.  Our minds have been their playground for some time.  It’s not personal, it’s our attempt to hold onto the thinly strung fragments of our sanity.  

This is shared via verbalabuse.com and is an amazing insight regarding verbal abuse.

TOWARD COMPASSION FOR SURVIVORS OF VERBAL ABUSE

This is a powerful perspective on why some women stay, at least for a
while, with a verbal abuser who will not leave nor do the hard work of change. Of course, there are other reasons; most commonly, it is to protect a child or children from being alone with an angry and unpredictable parent. [Previously published in a past newsletter]

The story that follows adds so much to understanding the fear people have in the presence of irrational behavior— verbal abuse. 

A beautiful young woman, not yet thirty called me crying from fear. "Does being so afraid to leave mean that I am really, really abused?" she asked.

She was about to brave the freezing winter winds and eminent snow to get away while her abusive husband was not around. This was her window of opportunity. After talking with her a few minutes, I realized the verbal abuse she endured was truly horrific. To just call it extreme would be downplaying her experience. In those few minutes, I also realized how very smart, articulate and amazing she was. I asked her, "Would you someday, send me a note about what you just told me? I know it will help others to understand the fear the craziness generates. In the middle of that very same night, safely ensconced in a cozy and secret place, she sent me the following email, to help others.

"For those who compare living with a verbal abuser to being a Prisoner of War, I can tell you that it's not even close. Being a Prisoner of War is actually easier. At least, when you are a Prisoner of War, you are taken against your will. You KNOW that you are living with the enemy. You KNOW that they are lying to you. You KNOW that they are feeding you propaganda, and you can mentally fight it. Verbal abusers are far more sinister because they befriend you, win your heart, and gain your trust.

I have never been a P.O.W., but I have been to war. I have fallen asleep to the sound of machine gun fire each night. I have worked in buildings peppered with holes from mortar rounds. I have walked through mine fields. I have been trained to keep my wits during terrorist attacks. But, leaving the man, that I believed was my soul-mate, is BY FAR the scariest thing that I have ever done!—Veteran, US Air Force
Yes, she had been in the Air Force, had slept under fire, and she is
quite brave. I'll always remember that everyone has his or her own time to stay or go. Sharing this message is one way to promote understanding throughout the world. 

The Process of Healing & Seeking knowledge

Chance Thomas Video Healing & Memories are in abundance

It Must be Love

I was in the process of a lengthy divorce, and my house had sold in one day.  I was packing when I received notice that personal property appraisers would be coming through and I was to stop the packing process.  This left me in a quandary.  I had over 2000 square feet to box up and move in a very limited amount of time. 

I walked out my back door enjoying the sunshine and wandered my back yard.  It was early spring and the bulbs were peaking up from their hiding places in the soft soil. Their green shoots were reaching for the sun waiting expectantly to burst into colorful blooms.  I was going to miss my home and the beautiful gardens that I had cared for and created with love.  The memories came flooding back.  So many wonderful years in this home.  I could almost hear the pitter patter of feet running across the patio, echoing from years gone by.

I walked past the pond and watched the gold fish that I had never expected to survive surface, their mouths opening and closing as if to bode me farewell. They watched me in anticipation of the flakes of food I tossed into the water.  So many memories were assaulting me.  I gazed at the fruit trees with their buds barely visible.  I thought of the time I spent picking the berries that grew in rows along the back fence.  I remembered the hours of fun our kids and grandkids had spent in the pool.  It was now green with algae and I wondered if the new owners would know how to care for it.

It was all lost now.   I walked the brick paths of the little English garden and I cried.  There was both pain and happiness in my little piece of heaven now.  I loved the feel of the rustic fence that was bound by twine.   Twigs and sticks were imprinted in my mind as they stood proudly against the backdrop of my  garden. 

      

        It now was time to move forward towards a new life I thought as I walked back towards the house.  I needed to find myself in the present and quit looking back to the past.  I knew it was okay to be sad for what was and that wallowing in my recollections for a time, was okay.

            At this point Seth and I had been seeing each other for a few months.  I was becoming anxious.  There had been delay after delay.  I called and asked him, “How am I going to pack an entire household and find a new place in a couple of weeks’ time?”  It didn’t seem plausible given the time constraints.

       Seth knocked on my door later that same afternoon.  We sat in my comfortable and colorful living room and Seth suggested that I should move in with him. To me it seemed the perfect temporary solution at that time.  I was crazy about this man who had embedded himself into my life.  We molded well and he was both accommodating and loving.           

    
     I rented storage units and resumed with my packing.  I still had no idea how I was going to get it completed on time.  Seth came up with another idea that worked well for me; he suggested that I finish storing what I needed, and turn the rest over to my ex-husband to complete.  After all Seth asked me, “Why are you solely responsible?”  He had a valid point, and there began my ten years of hell. 

I would later see that his thought processes are not the norm.  His logic defied all logic, and he was hypocrisy at its finest.  His twisted way of thinking knew no bounds and amounted to skewing facts and circumstance.  This has been a wild ride.  Don’t get me wrong, I did appreciate his suggestion at the time.

 

My walk into the flames…

 

Copyright © 2014

Out with 2014

As the years turns over into the new, I'm taking a look back on 2014.  There have been some positives and one of the biggest for me was to have my #sociopath #narcissist #abuser walk out of my life forever! 


Okay so I had to give him the boot, but he still carried himself out my door!


Tonight I will celebrate my freedom and raise my glass to healing.  I wish each of you an emotionally healthy New Year.


Because it's a new beginning I'm not looking at the past today.  Be safe and have a wonderful New Year.

Where is he now?

Do you ever find yourself struggling for words while trying to explain what happened in your life?  Forget trying to find the words that may describe what has happened to your mind.  They totally escape me other than to say, I may now be certifiably insane.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around what took place.  That makes me the victim, not him, although, I prefer to think of myself as a survivor.


While he ran off into the sunset proclaiming, not his love for another woman, but a love for her convenience, I am left scratching my head.  I fired a warning shot via text, but she thinks she is special.  She is special and will soon find out just how special she is.  Oh well, I tried.


He wants to tear her to shreds, and he will; she won't be aware of what's taking place until it's too late.  He is taking the plunge as quickly as possible so that he can get down to his dirty business.  He will proclaim his Christianity while in the throes of her spiritual demolition.   I want to tell her, "Honey, he wants your soul".  He is the devil himself and she will soon see it in his eyes, while he revels in her misery, with his evil smile plastered on his face.


What does he want?  He wants it all without making any real commitment or sacrifice.  The victim will sacrifice almost everything.  He wants worship and praise.  He will also get it!  Those of us who they prey upon, have something to offer; the narcissist with his sense of entitlement is going to take it whether you give it up or not.  He wouldn't be in your life if there wasn't something he was going to gain monetarily by being with you. 


As I told someone earlier today is, "What's weird is, I don't believe that I was weak or desperate. I was very independent, had money and had a good self-esteem. The problem was, as his brainwashing progressed, I lost pieces of myself. Eventually, I found myself so caught up in his games that I couldn't see the reality of what was taking place."

Now I have set out to inform others, educate myself on #narcissist #abuse and attempt to collect the chunks of myself that he ripped from me and threw aside.  It's called healing and it's taking place a little at a time.


I thought I had met Captain Caveman and it turns out he was the Tasmanian Devil, biding his time before devouring most of my self-esteem, money and self worth.

My Letter to Her

I was like you many years ago.  To my knowledge he wasn't married or living with another woman at the time, although you knew about me.  In a sense you had a warning in that.  I know he gained your sympathy by telling you how awful I was, and that's okay with me.  I also know that you feel incredibly special and cared for right now.  I did too, as did the others before me.

He asked me to marry him many times, and each time I refused.  So maybe you're not so special, but you can revel in that feeling for a bit.  Enjoy the honeymoon for as long as it lasts; it's going to change one day very soon.  You're going to see various personality shifts coming your way in the near future, and like me you aren't going to like them. He'll try to convince you that you're responsible for his shortfalls and cruelty.  Don't buy into what he's telling you - it's him, not you.  You'll find yourself modifying who you are in an attempt to placate him - sadly enough.  I know because I did this too.

The subtle put downs will start within months.  Something won't feel quite right, but you won't be able to put your finger on exactly what it is.  I notice you don't smile in your pictures; you never show your teeth.  That tells me he already has something to "joke" and tease you about.  Has he already started?  Don't worry, it will all be in good fun and he'll ask you (if you take offense), "Can't you take a joke?" or tell you, "You have no sense of humor!"  You're also going to hear things such as, "You're too sensitive."  He may even say, “You’re too intense!”

I want you to know that it's not you.  I will tell you this over and over again.  Remember my words.


Eventually a tickle of a memory of me is going to come to you, but you're going to push away any thoughts of “me” for the time being - I tried to warn you.

I hated what you had done until I realized that this was my way out.  No longer could he follow me and I hoped with you in his life, he might stay away from me.  I could now have some peace.  Did he tell you he wanted to stay with me?  Did he tell you that he thought he could come back into my home and my life?  I doubt if he did.  I also doubt that he told you he thought he would come home and pick up where we had left off.  My life with him was hell and I knew that wasn't an option.  I had no desire to live in his misery while trying to deal with his demons.

I had trips planned so I left town twice.  I wouldn't take him with me, and being in his physical presence made me sick.  I also didn't want him moving out while I was gone.  I tried to play nice, as difficult as that was.  I didn't want him taking any of my things.  He took some of my things anyway - much to my dismay.  I really wanted to slap the shit out of him and you will too eventually.  You may even do it!

I doubt he told you that two weeks after he came home, he told me he knew I would never forgive him for what he'd done.  Of course I was out of town when he sent me the text in mid July.  Men such as him are cowards and predicable.  He slithered out of my life without any of the sexual magnetism or curb appeal that he had come in with.

I actually said horrible things about you initially and called you all sorts of names.  I've resolved those feelings and now hold only pity for you and your children.  I pray that he leaves them alone, but he won't.  He may even use your older children as allies while attacking you.  It will be done playfully and slyly, but it will still hurt.

I also want you to know that when he throws the mean things I said about your physical appearance in your face, I'm sorry.  He will do this with pleasure.  I also attacked your character due to the fact that you knew he was with me.  You deserved that one.  I was hurt and angry and I'm sure you can understand. 

I have read some of the things you've said, and you remind me of me to some extent.  You're independent, you stick up for yourself, and you believe that he will too.  You're wrong of course.  You will be thrown under the bus at any and every opportunity.  Soon you will see that like me, you're not so tough.  Your mind will be bent just as mine was.  I made the ultimate sacrifice - my mind for a time, and so will you.

You wouldn't be happy to know that he sends me messages.  He misses my smile, which of course is an insult to yours.  He also misses and loves us.  Do you know he tells others that he doesn't love you?  Do you know he says you are a convenience?  Did you know that he was dating other women up until he moved in with you?  Do you know what a tough time he had leaving me, even though I ignored him and refused to call him?  I changed my number.  Do you know that he wanted to say good bye?  I didn't respond however, and you know none of this.  He didn't want to let go.  It's all about his ego.  He never loved me, just as he will never love you.

Do you still feel special?  I'm sorry for the harsh words but it's always about him, the narcissist or perhaps as suggested by others, he is a sociopath.

You have a good job, own a home, and I believe you are probably a decent person.  You're the type of woman who cares about others, are full of compassion and you may have truckloads of loyalty.  I know this because without these traits, he couldn't do what he's about to do to you.  I also know that he will attempt to conquer you completely.  You may become a shell of your former self.  Stay strong!

  Once again, know that when he starts on you or you see these things, it's not you.

 Remember my words when people he has access to start treating you differently.  This has nothing to do with you, but he will be telling them terrible stories about you.  You may sense that something is off but won't know what it is.  If he is working with women it's going to get particularly ugly.  It's not personal, it's what he does, although, it's still painful for you.

It won't be long before he starts gathering his army in preparation for what's about to take place.  I call it his fan club and it consists primarily of women.  It's his back up just as you were.  He can't destroy you without them.  And he will attempt to destroy you and smear your reputation - with a smile on his face.  He may already be leaving the crumbs in preparation.

He will be jealous of any outside relationships you may have.  Oh, and your ex-husband will be a burr in his britches.  He will complain of him often, leaving you feeling guilty that you have a decent relationship with your ex; one that's healthy for your children.  He will undermine this as well, or he will attempt to win your ex over to his side.  I bet you didn't know there were going to be sides in this did you?  This is an all-out war between good and evil.  I hope you have a good support group.

Later in your relationship (if you can call it that) you will think of me often.  You may be feeling a little crazy and want to reach out to me.  You will wonder where your joy went just as I did.  The circles you are running in at this point, will keep you dizzy.  He likes doing that.

About now you may also be wondering how you’re going to extract yourself, or kick him out.  If you put his name on your house or sold it so the “two” of you had a house that was "ours" and not yours, it's going to be difficult.  He tried that with me and thank God I never did it.  I bet the two of you had a joint bank account right away didn't you?  Why do you think he has a savings?  You can't seriously believe that he worked a day for that money, can you?

This is when it's going to get tough.  You may be feeling like you made a huge mistake and you did! You have no idea that he is most likely still sending me messages, do you?  He always told me that I was the one.  I had a target on my heart and he took advantage of my goodness just as he is yours.  No, I don't feel special and at this time, neither do you.

I want you to know that you are going to try and make it work many times over.  You may think about ending it, and for your emotional health that would be for the best.  You won't do it for a while though.  I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through now.  I understand it because I was where you are.  When the time is right you can reach out to me and I will talk to you.

I have my angel and she has been there for me just as I will be here for you.  He will never know that you talked to me.  I kept my angel a secret for many years.  She knew when I tried to make it work again, and she also knew when I'd had enough. 

I’ve also had other women message me that he had hurt with his lies and manipulation.  Did I forget to mention the other women?  Their secrets are safe with me just as yours will be.  If you choose to go back and try again, our conversations will be our little secret.  Know that he will never change, as sad as that is.  Also know that it's not you.

You’re asking yourself now how all this came about. 

It happened,

By Chance

Copyright © 2014

Attempting Extraction

I have experienced much drama in my attempts to disengage from my abuser/narcissist.  He has made it almost impossible to extract him fully from my life.  He holds on to my family members that he had little to do with prior to his removal from mine.  I consider him a malignancy that has enveloped what he sees as fodder for his ego.  He has bypassed me and my attempts to completely eliminate him.  He strives to infiltrate my life as much as possible.

They put a vast amount of energy into creating the perfect façade.  To those on the outside he is invariably successful in leading them to believe he is amazing.  His appeal and charm are his performance for his public audience.  His chameleon like persona is an essential  tool in his bag of tricks. 
There have been occasions that I found myself attempting to convey to another person what he has done to me.  Unless they have lived it, it's rarely a successful endeavor.  I'm almost certain it has had the opposite effect at times and has left people scratching their heads in wonder.  After all, who could behave in the manner that I describe?  I can answer that question in one word,  a #narcissist. The man whose smile never quite reached his eyes.  The man who learned to portray himself as a victim as a ploy to tempt new and unsuspecting women into worship. 


Why would I stay with such a man if he were so incredibly awful to me?  In part self doubt and my thought processes weren't what they had been at the beginning.  First he captured my heart and later, consumed my mind.  It's a sick game that one can never win.  They don't love you, but strive to feed off of you in their endless quest for their narcissist supply. 

Eyes With No Soul

 People asked, "What's up with his lifeless eyes?"  I couldn't answer the question. I only felt the pain in his "light", which occurred when he was being cruel.  Then his eyes were on fire, as if his soul had come alive.

  Alina calls it his "shark eyes".  It's a look that's difficult to describe.  His eyes became slits and his grin reached them - it was never a good thing when this happened.  People seeing his photos would often tell me there is something not quite right in those eyes, or ask me what's wrong with him.  When I run across random pictures of "him", I can see it now.  Why couldn't I see it then?  I believe it's because I chose not to.  I let him fool me into believing he was capable of love.  They are vacant, as if no one is home.  I peer at photos with a completely different perspective now.  While the corners of his lips may be upturned, the smile never reaches his eyes.


  There were many times I experienced his "shark eyes".  While he was telling me how much he was putting in his savings while I paid the majority of household bills; they lit up.  While he was tormenting me, they came alive.  My misfortunes were the highlights of his day.  Occasionally, he seemed normal, almost as if he were a real person.  Trickery was once again at work.


  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but what if there is no soul?  I don't mean that literally.  He proclaimed his Christianity the entire time he was cheating, undermining, abusing, and lying to me.  Maybe he meant well, but in his #narcissism he couldn't help but think only of himself. He didn't mean to do it!


  A relative recently relayed a story to me...  He is on a social site like many of us are.  She said if she saw one more shirtless selfie, she was going to throw up.  He posts them as if they are his lifeline.   Narcissist/abusers have to be the focus.  If at any point they aren't, it's often at their partners expense that they once again become the focus.  They want to be seen as the most amazing, the best and their ego has to be fed at anyone's expense.  With their superficial charm and false charisma, they fool us all up to a point.


  They are always looking for what they believe is a step up.  My narcissist said, "The next one will be an ugly one."  He continued with, "That way she won't leave me."  How pitiful that someone would think in those terms.  Always look to the eyes, they don't lie.

From Pearls to Swine

Seth had often told me about a past relationship that he felt in part, had come to an abrupt halt because she had shared details of their relationship with others.  He had started instilling in me early on that it was wrong to discuss our problems with others.  Looking back this was a mission in his brainwashing process.  I wasn’t to talk about what he was doing to me, or look for validation from an outside source that his treatment or words were damaging and demoralizing.  Had I listened to Seth I may have lost my marbles altogether.  Eventually I would start talking and find it difficult to keep quiet.  I felt I was losing my mind and could no longer concentrate or complete a simple task without hearing his words echoing within my head.  He was consuming me.  

     It was as if I was caught up in a vortex and couldn't catch my breath, or ever get my balance.  Nothing I did made him happy.  I didn’t realize then it wasn’t up to me, and it was a choice he had made on his own.  He chose to be miserable.  It was as if he couldn’t bear to see me feel joy or happiness.  If he couldn’t have it, then neither could I.  I was becoming a dim version of my former self.

Narcissism is an Ugly Thing.

 There was a point that I removed most of the mirrors in the house. My bad? I could no longer stand to watch him strut around naked, stop at every mirror along the way, and strike poses that impressed only him. He would flex his muscles, turn sideways and suck in his belly while pulling his leg up. What's up with that? It was making me physically sick to see his admiration of himself.

  He would say, "Look at me!" "Do you ever see men my age, or even younger men who look as good as I do?" "Don't you want me?"


  How could I? I was tired of the dance and had figured out his game. Why would I set myself up for rejection once again? Besides, the attraction was no longer there. If I had said "yes", which I had done before, he would look at me and start laughing. He only wanted the confirmation of being desired, not the actual act.

Narcissism is an ugly thing.


I made the mistake of putting one mirror back up.  Oh my!

nar·cis·sism

ˈnärsəˌsizəm/

noun

noun: narcissism

1. excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.

   synonyms:

   vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism, egoism "his emotional development was hindered by his mother's narcissism"

   antonyms:

   modesty

   • Psychology

     extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
   • Psychoanalysis

     self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

My One Christmas Wish

I have been taking many trips down memory lane lately. After some thought I realize, "if only" any survivor of abuse or anyone living it, could have peace in their hearts and minds - that would be my one Christmas wish.


I used "if only", which for me are words I often heard from him.  If only... If only...  If only and only you. 


Sometimes it was "only you" as if no one else could possibly do the stupid things he claimed I did, or make the mistakes and human errors I inevitably would.  Never misplace something or there was hell to pay.  Never do something he considered unacceptable, or the condescending words would flow freely from his mouth.

For those of you who know no peace, my heart goes out to you.  For those like me who still relive or replay an abusers' words in their minds, my heart goes out to you too.

I know that for many, the giving of Christmas gifts is a wish and a prayer.  I understand that also, and it's the spirit of the mind and soul that make the season what it is.

Imagine one day of peace in the world and in every home.


That is my Christmas wish for you.

I Have Endured

Sometimes we miss what we are most familiar with, even when it’s not healthy.   The soothing hum of a rusty, antiquated furnace as it blows warm air and carbon monoxide throughout the house; a favorite pair of old nasty tennis shoes infested with athlete’s foot, or the predicable performance of an abuser.

 As the holidays approach, the void left may be palpable even though the behavior will never be missed. The Grinch is no longer lingering on the sofa, glaring with his lifeless eyes which are void of any light or tenderness.  No longer is there anyone to suck the delight from the spirit of the season, yet, a small abyss remains. 

Steadfast complaints of gift buying, no longer fall on suffering ears.  The guilt of sharing has taken a two state hike in order to torture another soul.  Perhaps the pretending will remain through Christmas; giving the new prey room to breathe for a time - before his hell begins in earnest. 

The rhythm of a heartbeat proclaims it’s still there.  A warm body full of courage and hope, both hiding and healing from the pain of a phantom love.  It will heal...