Attempting Extraction

I have experienced much drama in my attempts to disengage from my abuser/narcissist.  He has made it almost impossible to extract him fully from my life.  He holds on to my family members that he had little to do with prior to his removal from mine.  I consider him a malignancy that has enveloped what he sees as fodder for his ego.  He has bypassed me and my attempts to completely eliminate him.  He strives to infiltrate my life as much as possible.

They put a vast amount of energy into creating the perfect façade.  To those on the outside he is invariably successful in leading them to believe he is amazing.  His appeal and charm are his performance for his public audience.  His chameleon like persona is an essential  tool in his bag of tricks. 
There have been occasions that I found myself attempting to convey to another person what he has done to me.  Unless they have lived it, it's rarely a successful endeavor.  I'm almost certain it has had the opposite effect at times and has left people scratching their heads in wonder.  After all, who could behave in the manner that I describe?  I can answer that question in one word,  a #narcissist. The man whose smile never quite reached his eyes.  The man who learned to portray himself as a victim as a ploy to tempt new and unsuspecting women into worship. 


Why would I stay with such a man if he were so incredibly awful to me?  In part self doubt and my thought processes weren't what they had been at the beginning.  First he captured my heart and later, consumed my mind.  It's a sick game that one can never win.  They don't love you, but strive to feed off of you in their endless quest for their narcissist supply. 

Eyes With No Soul

 People asked, "What's up with his lifeless eyes?"  I couldn't answer the question. I only felt the pain in his "light", which occurred when he was being cruel.  Then his eyes were on fire, as if his soul had come alive.

  Alina calls it his "shark eyes".  It's a look that's difficult to describe.  His eyes became slits and his grin reached them - it was never a good thing when this happened.  People seeing his photos would often tell me there is something not quite right in those eyes, or ask me what's wrong with him.  When I run across random pictures of "him", I can see it now.  Why couldn't I see it then?  I believe it's because I chose not to.  I let him fool me into believing he was capable of love.  They are vacant, as if no one is home.  I peer at photos with a completely different perspective now.  While the corners of his lips may be upturned, the smile never reaches his eyes.


  There were many times I experienced his "shark eyes".  While he was telling me how much he was putting in his savings while I paid the majority of household bills; they lit up.  While he was tormenting me, they came alive.  My misfortunes were the highlights of his day.  Occasionally, he seemed normal, almost as if he were a real person.  Trickery was once again at work.


  They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but what if there is no soul?  I don't mean that literally.  He proclaimed his Christianity the entire time he was cheating, undermining, abusing, and lying to me.  Maybe he meant well, but in his #narcissism he couldn't help but think only of himself. He didn't mean to do it!


  A relative recently relayed a story to me...  He is on a social site like many of us are.  She said if she saw one more shirtless selfie, she was going to throw up.  He posts them as if they are his lifeline.   Narcissist/abusers have to be the focus.  If at any point they aren't, it's often at their partners expense that they once again become the focus.  They want to be seen as the most amazing, the best and their ego has to be fed at anyone's expense.  With their superficial charm and false charisma, they fool us all up to a point.


  They are always looking for what they believe is a step up.  My narcissist said, "The next one will be an ugly one."  He continued with, "That way she won't leave me."  How pitiful that someone would think in those terms.  Always look to the eyes, they don't lie.

From Pearls to Swine

Seth had often told me about a past relationship that he felt in part, had come to an abrupt halt because she had shared details of their relationship with others.  He had started instilling in me early on that it was wrong to discuss our problems with others.  Looking back this was a mission in his brainwashing process.  I wasn’t to talk about what he was doing to me, or look for validation from an outside source that his treatment or words were damaging and demoralizing.  Had I listened to Seth I may have lost my marbles altogether.  Eventually I would start talking and find it difficult to keep quiet.  I felt I was losing my mind and could no longer concentrate or complete a simple task without hearing his words echoing within my head.  He was consuming me.  

     It was as if I was caught up in a vortex and couldn't catch my breath, or ever get my balance.  Nothing I did made him happy.  I didn’t realize then it wasn’t up to me, and it was a choice he had made on his own.  He chose to be miserable.  It was as if he couldn’t bear to see me feel joy or happiness.  If he couldn’t have it, then neither could I.  I was becoming a dim version of my former self.

Narcissism is an Ugly Thing.

 There was a point that I removed most of the mirrors in the house. My bad? I could no longer stand to watch him strut around naked, stop at every mirror along the way, and strike poses that impressed only him. He would flex his muscles, turn sideways and suck in his belly while pulling his leg up. What's up with that? It was making me physically sick to see his admiration of himself.

  He would say, "Look at me!" "Do you ever see men my age, or even younger men who look as good as I do?" "Don't you want me?"


  How could I? I was tired of the dance and had figured out his game. Why would I set myself up for rejection once again? Besides, the attraction was no longer there. If I had said "yes", which I had done before, he would look at me and start laughing. He only wanted the confirmation of being desired, not the actual act.

Narcissism is an ugly thing.


I made the mistake of putting one mirror back up.  Oh my!

nar·cis·sism

ˈnärsəˌsizəm/

noun

noun: narcissism

1. excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance.

   synonyms:

   vanity, self-love, self-admiration, self-absorption, self-obsession, conceit, self-centeredness, self-regard, egotism, egoism "his emotional development was hindered by his mother's narcissism"

   antonyms:

   modesty

   • Psychology

     extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
   • Psychoanalysis

     self-centeredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.

My One Christmas Wish

I have been taking many trips down memory lane lately. After some thought I realize, "if only" any survivor of abuse or anyone living it, could have peace in their hearts and minds - that would be my one Christmas wish.


I used "if only", which for me are words I often heard from him.  If only... If only...  If only and only you. 


Sometimes it was "only you" as if no one else could possibly do the stupid things he claimed I did, or make the mistakes and human errors I inevitably would.  Never misplace something or there was hell to pay.  Never do something he considered unacceptable, or the condescending words would flow freely from his mouth.

For those of you who know no peace, my heart goes out to you.  For those like me who still relive or replay an abusers' words in their minds, my heart goes out to you too.

I know that for many, the giving of Christmas gifts is a wish and a prayer.  I understand that also, and it's the spirit of the mind and soul that make the season what it is.

Imagine one day of peace in the world and in every home.


That is my Christmas wish for you.

I Have Endured

Sometimes we miss what we are most familiar with, even when it’s not healthy.   The soothing hum of a rusty, antiquated furnace as it blows warm air and carbon monoxide throughout the house; a favorite pair of old nasty tennis shoes infested with athlete’s foot, or the predicable performance of an abuser.

 As the holidays approach, the void left may be palpable even though the behavior will never be missed. The Grinch is no longer lingering on the sofa, glaring with his lifeless eyes which are void of any light or tenderness.  No longer is there anyone to suck the delight from the spirit of the season, yet, a small abyss remains. 

Steadfast complaints of gift buying, no longer fall on suffering ears.  The guilt of sharing has taken a two state hike in order to torture another soul.  Perhaps the pretending will remain through Christmas; giving the new prey room to breathe for a time - before his hell begins in earnest. 

The rhythm of a heartbeat proclaims it’s still there.  A warm body full of courage and hope, both hiding and healing from the pain of a phantom love.  It will heal...

 

Another Secret

  After much consideration, I've decided to share one of my own issues that resulted after years of his abuse.  The aftermath of being beaten down verbally was harsh.  I had reached my lowest point about three months prior to his hasty departure.  I could take no more.  There was nothing left in me to give.  He was relentless in his attacks, and I felt worthless, unloved and undeserving of love.


  I felt as though no one liked me any longer, and I had become apprehensive in my approach to people.  He made sure to tell me whenever possible, that they didn't like me.  He would tell me often  that my family said I was crazy, or that they were making fun of me behind my back.  He told me people I had just met asked him, why I gave them dirty looks and told him they didn't like me.  The problem was, I had started to believe what he said to me.  He was alienating me as much as possible with his underhanded methods.


  He repeated what he said others told him about me.  What he said was rarely, if ever, positive.  I felt attacked in every aspect of my being.  He said I was lazy, although, I was working six days a week.  He said he would have quit my job if it had been his decision.  He hated my hours and said it left us no time with each other.  He was totally unreasonable with his, not so subtle demands.  He was tired of cooking dinner and didn't understand why I never cooked.  I made breakfast and didn't get home until nine in the evening.  I tried reasoning with him to no avail.  I don't know why I bothered.  I told him I would fix dinner after I was home if he wanted me to.  Still, he feigned ignorance as to the whys of my not being able to cook the evening meal.  He insisted that he eat early in the evenings which made it impossible for me and he knew it.  Sundays we barbecued and I would prepare everything.  He would throw it on the grill and complain that he still had to cook.  His put downs and attacks were embellished by his sense of entitlement.


  Between the "HI's" and the "What are you doing tomorrows" that came in rapid, unending succession, I was quickly becoming a stressed out mess.  I was getting no peace and found myself afraid to do or say anything.  My emotional piranha gave me no breaks - he was relentless.  His smug arrogance allowed him to feel no pangs of conscience, where most would. 


  I had begun to think that being run over by a truck was a happier ending than the one I was living.  I no longer cared.  I quit going places and when we were invited out, he set me up for failure.  I felt entirely alone.  I didn't believe that anyone understood what was taking place.  I heard that he and I just brought out the worst in each other.  I gave up trying to explain what he was doing to my psyche.


  I was in a  confused state of mind, and my focus was on trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  I became disorganized in my thinking.  I became incapable of thinking rationally with regard to our relationship.  I was looking forward to that truck.  I didn't care if I lived or died.  I had a talk with God and told him that I was ready whenever he was. 


  That was my lowest point and it lasted about a month.  Not much later, God and I had another talk after my epiphany, early one morning.  While sitting on my back steps I looked up and asked him to remove the evil, destructive man from my life.  I begged him for help and he answered my prayer.  I realized my abuser had taken all my personal power.  In reality I had let him, but not intentionally. I had never met a person who I would consider to be a truly bad one.  I can no longer say that.  I know now that he isn't a good person at all.  I had made a very bad choice in allowing him into my life.  I didn't listen to that little voice as it told me to run.


  If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, it's time to escape.  I felt alone and terrified of what he would do to me next mentally.  I never want anyone to live like this.  Reach out to someone and do what I didn't, run!