Exposing Myself

I finally did it. Exposed myself that is...

I talked to a man and sent him a link to my blog.  It took much persuasion on his part. First he had to establish a limited amount of trust and convince me that he is a decent human being, before I could pass off the key to my most inner thoughts and humiliations.  He is all that.  I believe he is a good man.

Interestingly enough, he called within five minutes and said, "He didn't love you".
"That's not love".
I knew what he was saying, and I agreed that love is not abuse or control of another person. 

I was so excited when I became a featured blog on Dr. Phil's site that I told another man about the feature.  Of course he immediately went to Dr. Phil's web page and looked me up.  Sometimes my impulsive behavior gets in my own way.  We'll see how that pans out.  I'll find out if he withdraws due to what he believes is a weakness or a failure on my part.  I am incredibly human, with all the flaws that come with it.

While I'm not responsible for how someone else chose or chooses to treat me, I occasionally feel somewhat judged for it.  Maybe it can't be helped.

Through my eyes I see a person's pain and mistakes as human.  I also don't view their revelations of those vulnerabilities or errors in judgment, as a weakness.  I see them as a great strength and as lessons in pain and healing that they are sharing for themselves and others.

Most can't help but ask me "why" I stayed.  Somewhere among over 52,000 words is that explanation.  It's like I told my ex:

"Start treating her right away like you did after the brainwashing you gave me, and she will run."
"You will never get a second date."

I laughed, but in horror not in humor, and he looked at me with that satanic eyed, knowing, crooked, smile of his.  He knows what he does.

Hey guess what folks, I am me and my experiences through life are mine.  I may not be proud of what has taken place, but I am owning my part in it.  I won't take responsibility for his actions, but I am taking responsibility for letting him stay and believing in him as a person, although, now don't see him as anything resembling human. 

Events in my life have made me who I am today.  I'm attempting to take a negative life experience and turn it into a positive!  If at all possible I want to help others who find themselves in a situation like I was.  It was an error in judgment on my part and it was a long one.

I will continue to talk with anyone in an abusive situation who needs an ear and assurance.  Many have my phone number and can reach out whenever the need arises.  This isn't temporary either.  Even though my pain has come to an end, for many it continues and begins.  I will be here for them just as Alina and others have been there for me.

I'm not a saint and there have been times I wanted to reach out and shake the sense into someone.  I can see their writing on the wall, even when they can't.  I also understand the faith they bestow on their undeserving abuser.  I was there with that same faith and the belief that he didn't know or understand that he was hurting me with his words and actions.

Writing about my experience wasn't an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination.  It's a huge undertaking emotionally, as well as being time consuming.  It has helped me work through much of my confusion and for that I am thankful.   I know there are some in my life that would rather I just, "let it go".  I'm sorry, this wasn't a small life event that I can simply sweep under the rug.  Neither can I pretend it never took place.  It TOOK place and is now a part of who I am. 

Another part of who I am is that I take life experiences and put them to paper.  Not only is this a therapy, it's also a method of sharing.  Ask me to tell you a story and you will have a rather large question mark above your head.  Ask me to write you one and maybe you will find yourself smiling or learning something from me.