Cycles of Four

    

  When he was angry he would hover over me or in front of me, the spittle sometimes speckling his chin.  He was capable of great fury as I would soon find out.  I would also find out that I was capable of defending myself, although, I had no idea what I was up against. 

   Seth could back you into a defensive corner with his torment and button pushing when he was in his mode. His sarcasm and fault finding would drive me to the edge. He would deliberately harass me to anger then laugh at my reaction.  He would tell me, “I like to see your passion!”   I would soon find out what it was like to fight back.    This wasn't about protecting myself, but rather fighting for my emotional survival and due to my true nature, I did come out of my corner fighting!
   
Seth ran in cycles of four.  The first cycle was obviously the honeymoon, and this was the mode each time we had gotten back together.  He was attentive and well, almost a loving and regular guy.  Then as the months progressed (rarely more than two) he went into his second mode.  He became distant uncaring, inconsiderate and full of complaints.  I always knew what was coming in the month or weeks ahead. 

   The next was the one of worst but not quite.  This would start the yelling phase, the belittling that he didn't cover in the second phase.  The put downs, demeaning behaviors the inconsideration and it’s also when he would start complaining about me to other women (so I've been told).  He was grooming his women at this time also, hence the complaining.  At this stretch Seth, was full of self-pity and would seek sympathy where ever he could find it.  He never looked to me at this time.  This was often the time he would curl up in the fetal position on the couch, and not do much of anything.  His computer and phone were always at the ready position.  

    I had been calling him one evening and was concerned when he didn't answer the phone.  I drove to his house and found him in this position on the couch.  He wouldn't talk to me or do much of anything.  I remember thinking that I wished he could share his pain.  I meant talk about it.  Sometimes this would go on for days and then as if a switch were flipped he would once again become another person.  This isn't something I understand, and his idea of sharing pain was dishing it out, not discussing or working through it.

    
  Making us smaller makes he or she feel much bigger and gives them their ego boost.  The put downs and attacks on our self-esteem are a cover.  These type of people thrive on control.  I can’t tell you what makes them this way only that it obviously happens. If they can keep us down, they believe they can keep us.  In a healthy and loving relationship we would be given the emotional support that is needed in order for that relationship to thrive.  In an abusive one we flounder.  Occasionally they let us come up for air, and that’s what keeps us on the line.  The good will and kindness they pretend to be capable of is an act of deception.

  
  The next phase was horrible and incorporated all the behaviors listed in the other phases with the exception of the first.  This was the name calling, belligerent, cheating, lying, looking for another woman, and extreme abuse phase.  This one was the part of his cycle that was the most unpredictable.  He could flare up at any given moment without cause.  This was also the time that I had to be most careful.  He could run over or in to me as if I weren't there, bump me with items and be careless and deliberately awful.  If this took place he would laugh.  If something happened to me he would have the ugly smile plastered on his face. He was never one to say, I’m sorry.

   Seth and I had no real intimacy and lacked the loving connection that I thought we once had.  Ten years of lessons has taught me that he was incapable of real intimacy with me, and can only put on a front for a limited amount of time.  His malice was at an all-time high.  Yet, I thought I could change it and that he would want it changed.  I was taking personal responsibility for his abuse and his emotional cruelty. There was no making him happy, but God knows I tried. 

   
  While watching him vacuum with fury one afternoon, I noticed he had the setting on attachment instead of the vacuum setting.  I felt the rise of a belly laugh for some odd reason as Seth’s rage mounted, and his vacuuming speed increased.  I knew I should tell him, but I also knew he was going to be angrier when I did.  I weighed it out and did eventually let him know.  He was furious as anticipated.  It was somehow my fault that he had wasted five minutes of his time.  He looked foolish as he vented his frustration on a vacuum and shot daggers at me.  I told him he needed to check it before he started to use it and walked away chuckling to myself.  Sometimes it's the little things in life that give rise to laughter.  I never knew how to deal with this type of scene and realize that’s something most people don’t have a need to dwell on. I had to hide my humor from him and as petty as it appears, that was a vision that still gets a little giggle out of me.