Hot Flashes and Memory Lapses

Between hot flashes and memory lapses there is the occasional romanticizing of our relationship that never was.  I believe most of us do this and grieve the loss of what we thought could have been or the fantasy of what was.  The truth of living with an abuser is quite alarming and it's not a parallel universe while we're there.  No one person is an extension of another, although they would like to believe we are.


Once in a while I say to myself, "It could have been so good." Then I think,  "Really? I doubt that." 


My book, The Man in the Mirror stands at about 50,000 words.  Through the process I have been told to add visuals and additional dialogue.  I have to draw a picture of the bait and switch that took place.  It's difficult for me because I know the reality and sticking strictly to the facts in black and white is much easier for me.  To put his utter nonsense in writing is problematic and challenging.  I feel duped.


I loved to kiss that man.  That's one of the things that was taken away or withheld fairly early on.  It still happened occasionally if I went in for the kiss.  The entire time I am hitting the computer keys it's in utter frustration.  What's playing out in the back of my mind while attempting to put a love story together are his cruel words and actions down the road. 

With resolve and tears streaming down my face, I somehow manage to get some of those words thrown together and into a readable dialogue.  He swooped in as dopey, sleepy and happy and went out as the wicked witch of the west.  He melted into a puddle of goo within my mind and remnants remain to this day.


I forge ahead muddling through memories that I believed were real, at a time when it's possible they were.  His idea of love was much different than mine. 

Buzzing

I had to talk to him. It has been months since I have had any contact and I had to respond to a message regarding a property. I didn't want to and have avoided every attempt in the past including blocking emails, changing my phone number, blocking him on FB and ignoring his messages through a singles site. He has also decided that passing messages through my daughter is acceptable. It's not but I can't stop him.  Each time his name is mentioned I get the same distorted feelings.

I cringed as I opened the Words With Friends message. I knew he would start with his mush in an attempt at manipulation. My head was buzzing making it all seem surreal. I only addressed the rental  but that didn't stop him. He "misses and loves us". He still "dearly cares about me." He told me, "No fighting" when I responded and only addressed the house.  I have no fight  left in me with regard to him and simply wanted to resolve the issues at hand and forge ahead.

I don't understand why I get a screaming headache knowing I have to correspond or why I get physically sick even before I read his words. This affects me for days and the buzzing goes on. My heart feels as though it will pound out of my chest. This is what would happen when he would start in on me in the past while we were living together. I still feel the fight or flight mode kick in and although I tell myself I feel nothing for him, I am afraid of his words. Is that what it is, fear?

My state of mind has been confusion for two days since the exchange and that persistent buzzing comes and goes with each thought of talking with him. I feel like a ditz and my concentration has flown out the window.  It was suggested that this may be a form of PTSD.  That had never occurred to me and I found myself thinking that maybe I am damaged after telling myself over and over that I'm not.  I want this to all go away.  I want to be able to feel nothing with his painful words and continue on with the apathy I have felt towards him.


I sit here today with tears welling up in my eyes.  I know I have experienced horror with him but he's gone now. Today for the first time in months I want to cry at what he is and was capable of doing to my mind. I want to cry for a person who expected the best but, received the worst. It's over, but will he ever stop having an impact?  I can't imagine a run in face to face.  The potential for that is great, although so far I've managed to avoid it.  I make a point of not going anywhere that he could potentially show up and have missed out on some fun due to that.  It's crucial that I give myself time to heal completely before that run in occurs, if it ever does.


Life for him goes on without a bump.  In the past I have had women contact me with understanding at what he did to me and to them.  One in particular only saw him for a short time and she was devastated within months.


I wanted to say so many things to him. I wanted to tell him that while he may think he misses me he will find someone else to call a F**** B****, ignore, tell them they are stupid and ugly all the while making sure they don't get a moments peace. I didn't say any of this.  I did find myself feeling badly for whomever was going to take my place and become the target of his verbal assaults. I feel great compassion for the women he will victimize in the future or is already victimizing.  I had so much to say while that buzzing persisted and even now thoughts race through my mind.

The last breakup came with a prescription for Xanax due to the severe anxiety. I don't want to take those again. Am I a little nutty? I thought I was doing so well.  For now  my medication will consist of sitting on my back steps with a cup of coffee watching the world go by.



The Writing on the Wall

At some point each of use has come into contact with an abuser.  Some are exposed through work, public settings, we are currently living it or have lived it in the past.  Up until now I haven't listed any of the signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.  These are key and identifying phrases or tactics that an abuser will often use on you.

Until I read Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, I had no idea what was taking place.  I only knew it didn't feel good.  She has written many excellent books and I would recommend reading all of them.

While I may not cover every sign of abuse, these are what I often heard from the man in my life.  I didn't understand what he was doing to me while he was telling me in so many words, that I was defective.  I also list some of his covert undermining.  I lived in fear of making mistakes as well.

1. "You're too sensitive" and "lighten up" were often his words when I told him he had hurt my feelings or offended me.  I would later be told by him that I couldn't use the phrase, "You hurt my feelings."
2. "You have no sense of humor" is what he said if I didn't think his jokes at my expense were funny.  They weren't funny and were hurtful!
3. "I have to do everything" is what he said if he had to take care of something he didn't want to.  His life was supposed to sail and my life was to be dedicated to making sure his did go smoothly. 
4. "Only you" is what I heard often.  If something didn't go in the correct order he would get angry with me and say, "Only you..." and start with the put downs.  I was fearful that I may have misplaced something that he may need and he would start with, "Only you".  I also heard, "You never" and "You always".
5. Isolation which can happen slowly. You find yourself no longer reaching out to family and friends or coming up with excuses not to spend time with them because of how he/she makes you feel about it.  You may find yourself thinking it isn't worth his or her wrath or they instill guilt for spending time away from them.  Mine made me feel guilty even when he was out of town.  Your family and friends may also see a gradual change in you.  You may hear that you are not the same person any longer.
6. Monitoring your time, phone calls or attempting to dictate your day can play out. 
7. Name calling had become a favorite pastime of his.  I was called a "F**** bitch" among others.  This didn't feel good at all and was crushing.
8. Blaming me was another one of his favorites.  If something went wrong it was my fault.  If something went right, it was his.  If he had a blowup it was due to me.
9. Controlling money and putting you on a leash while he doles it out to you.  They make it almost if not totally impossible to make ends meet.  I was fortunate that I had my own income to rely on.
10. Instilling fear by suggesting something could happen.  Often instilling fear is much more subtle.  I was told that if he ever wanted to hit a woman he would make sure it looked like she had hit him first.
11. You are told, "You're going to make me mad!" 
12. Manipulation which can be difficult to recognize.  He was a master manipulator.  You will feel that you no longer have a say in much of anything.  The guilt is almost too much and you may have that, "something doesn't feel right feeling" in everyday life.  You may also find yourself asking what just took place.
13. I was told I was crazy and he also told others I was crazy and portrayed me in that light.  I started believing I might be.
14. Refusing my attempts at affection.  I was pushed away often because, "Couldn't I see he was busy?"
15. Intimidation and yelling
16. Their sense of entitlement may have you jumping daily.  It's almost always about them.
17. The silent treatment is terrible and I often had no idea what I was being punished for, although, I came to enjoy it in the latter years. 
18. Put downs
19. Jealousy which can be displayed in any number of ways.  Sometimes it's not so obvious and mine was an advice giver and claimed he was only looking out for me.  He wanted me to know that men only want one thing from me and I was too naïve, then I would be lectured.
20. Physical abuse which can come in many forms besides the obvious.  Running into you, throwing things at you, pushing you and any other form of unwanted physical contact can be considered physical abuse.

I surprised myself by coming up with a list of twenty indicators that had impacted me directly.  I hope this list can help you find a path to healing and peace.

Why I Let Him Stay

I am the type of person who sees the best in everyone.  I am trusting, independent and loyal to a fault.  I'm also somewhat naïve and although I am not as naïve as I once was, I find myself wondering if I could be fooled again.  If that happens, it will be short lived. 


It's entirely possible that I have some unresolved childhood issues, however, I'm not going to dwell there. I have sisters that are immune to this behavioral problem and they have very good men in their lives.  So I find myself asking, "Why me?"


I hold the belief that he honed in on me because he could see that trust and fierce loyalty factor and viewed them as a vulnerability instead of an asset.  If I had neither of these he would never have latched on.  In the typical parasitical fashion he attached himself to me. The chameleon that he was also pretended to share my interests and care about my life.  In reality, he didn't enjoy what I was interested in and he only stayed in his pseudo state for as long as necessary and in order to ingratiate himself into my life.


I can't say that I am a person who tried harder in this relationship, but I was the one who tried not to make any waves.  I also gave him too many chances for change.  I don't believe he tried at all and his efforts were primarily manipulative.  The entire time I saw what he was doing as wrong and told him that.  I didn't accept what he told me but after hearing it for so many years, I know it had taken hold of me.  He is a love bomber incapable of feeling the true meaning of the word.


I heard him telling me that he loved me and I chose to believe it.  The facts as I see them currently are that he is incapable of love and it was a faux love of sorts.  He did and does whatever blows up his world in his ego driven eyes.  He believed that controlling me made him a hero to his harem and fictitious fan club.  I also think that he thought I would leave him if he allowed himself to show or feel love.


It's now his problem and no longer mine. Despite his best lessons I still have faith in people and believe that most are good.  He is a terrorists who devotes his life to destroying the emotional well being of others. 


Drink more wine and write.

Curse of the Phone

As crazy as this sounds we went round and round over my phone.  Keep in mind that he didn't pay my bills and he didn't have access to them either. That didn't stop him from insisting he should be allowed to review my phone records.


As in most instances the phones were a double standard.  Mine only came into play while he was insisting I account for my time.  He would ask, "What do you do with your day?"  "I wish I had a camera in this house so I could see what it is you do with your time!"


I suppose he justified those remarks and the camera comment because of a minor infraction on my part.  He didn't see his requests as unreasonable.  If something were left in the dryer (my dryer) by mistake, the outrageous commentary would start and it would somehow be tied in with my phone.


If my phone would ring while he was home he would become agitated and tell me, "I bet it's one of your kids!"  He hated my phone and initially, I had no idea that it bothered him.  It didn't take long for him to let me know it was a sore point.  Admittedly, I did spend my share of time on my phone but it was primarily when he wasn't home anyway.


While he was working out of town and would call, there was hell to pay if I had my grandson.  Not always but I never knew when he would react and start in on me.  I did everything short of gagging the child to keep him quiet.  I didn't want my emotional vampire to hear him in the background.  I loved having him, but "he" would get annoyed if I got distracted or the focus was off him. 


I started getting anxiety when the phone would ring.  If I were with friends and I said I would call him back he would say, "I can tell I'm not important, bye" and hang up on me.  I started to feel badly if I was doing something with anyone.  His expectations were that I always be available to satisfy his needs, but he refused to meet few if any of mine.  Not that this was a competition by any stretch of the imagination, however, relationships are supposed to be both give and take.  He was a taker.


He was still insisting that he wanted to see my phone records.  He told me that if I showed them to him and he was wrong, he would apologize to me.  This was no way to live.  The assault on what I did with my time was ongoing.  He would bring up the phone records many times and each time I refused to print them out.  I wasn't about to give in and the time I spent talking to my kids and friends was mine alone.


He often told me I was a spoiled brat if I asked something of him.  He also told me that I was selfish and that he could tell I was used to getting my way.  In this relationship I was far from spoiled and in all fairness, I was extremely emotionally deprived.


His demands were unreasonable and motivated by his selfish and abusive nature.  What he was attempting to do was isolate me as much as possible.  Although he was out of town and he knew I wasn't doing anything close to being unfaithful,  he wanted to monopolize all of my time.

 

Arms Wide Open

Every day I sit and plunk away at my keyboard attempting to put into writing a part of my life that's an anomaly.  Some days the flow of words escapes me and I step away from the memories, walk out my back door and enjoy the feel of the sunshine as it spills over me.

Forty some thousand words and remembering doesn't come without its share of pain, however, this too shall pass. I haven't shed a tear in over two months.  That's progress and the tears that were shed, were born of frustration and not of missing him.  Sadly, I don't miss him at all.

Today I simply enjoyed my new life and the time I have to myself without the dread and memories.  I am thankful for every moment of peace that has been given to me.  I greet each day with my arms wide open in celebration of what's in front of me.

Love and peace