Jar of Hearts

     I think she sang this song for me.  I too learned to live half alive.  I was allowed no emotional expectations.  It didn't start off that way, but within a year or two I had learned that lesson.  It was part of my boot camp.

     I am ashamed to say that once and almost a year ago I, "took the bait" and let him back into my life.  It took almost eight months before I realized the error of my ways.  Either I'm a masochist (I definitely don't enjoy the pain inflicted) or an eternal optimist who believes that everyone means well, but doesn't see the error of "his" ways.  I had always believed that he wanted to be nice but didn't understand how that worked.   However, he knew what he was doing. It was without mercy that he obtained his pleasure and obvious control over me.  Not total control mind you, but my behavior was altered in an attempt to keep him pacified and out of fear of retaliation I had quit fighting back.

     I was living with a man, but I was lonely.  He had emotionally deserted me at some point, but I can't identify when it took place.  There were no comforting words or assurances when something happened.  He gave me defenses and denials with no validation of any kind which left my mind whirling.  Yet, I was expected to always have his back, lend an ear and give when I had nothing left.  I was starving for his love and acceptance and had I let him stay, I would have been destroyed emotionally. I can admit to myself now with little or no pain, that he never loved me. 


    My abuser made a conscious choice to avoid change or seek help.  He admitted in a few moments of humility that he knew there was something wrong with him.  He also said that he would do whatever it would take to make things right. He never did follow through on his empty promises and I'm now penning a blog.
I both feel and understand your pain.  Get out as quickly as possible!

     

Banging Away

    

      One of his favorite types of torment once I was in the door, and I was going to change clothes; he would start asking me what I was doing (if it's a talking night).  It never ended there....
Sometimes he would sit and say, "Hi" to me over and over again.  I have no idea what this was about.  It could go on for as long as thirty minutes, sometimes longer and regardless of what I said he wouldn't stop.  When I refused to say hi back the fifty times he said it, I heard I'm a freak, I'm weird and he would either laugh or get annoyed.  He told me any normal person would say hi back.  Sometimes he was in this mode several times a night.  I suppose the point of that was, the focus had to be on him constantly.

     Sometime later in the evening he would close his computer, look at me and mumble in a disapproving tone that I ignored him.  The man who wouldn't respond to my questions, refused to acknowledge me and demanded foot rubs, insisted that I was paying no attention to him.  I reached a point that I typically indulged him in that fantasy towards the end.  It didn't matter what I did, it was never enough.  I was never good enough and I can't remember the last time I had done something right.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself only doubting my sanity in thinking he would want to change his behavior towards me or that he was capable of it period.  He refused change and only wanted me jumping through his imaginary hoops for the rest of my life. 

     If I didn't start rubbing his feet he would sometimes sit and bang into my legs with them deliberately, or make grunting noises mingled with a sound I can't describe.  That became the vocabulary for the evening, odd noises.  It wasn't a hard bang, more of an annoying tapping that never ended.  I was expected to interpret his mewing sounds as well as his expectations and be a mind reader to boot.  It was very annoying just as he intended it to be.  He wouldn't stop even though I would ask him to.

     This is the same man that outsiders think is charming, compassionate and caring.  I don't believe he cared how I felt.  As long as his life was running how he believed it should and he could torment me, he would stay in his miserably cruel and happy place.  He may have been able to see how I felt but acknowledgement and empathy escaped him completely.  This was entirely deliberate.  Anyone seeing us on the street or in a public setting would not believe he is capable of the mental cruelty he inflicts with pleasure.


Don't remain complicit!  RUN!

Not All Wounds Are Visible

     One evening as we were watching TV in bed, he brought up an ex who he claimed had physically assaulted him.  He started talking about their altercations when he looked at me and said, "If I ever want to hit a woman, I know how to make it look like she hit me first."  He went on to tell me that he would do something to himself and blame her.  I suppose this may have been considered a threat or possibly a warning.

     Alina an ex I had contacted shared virtually the same story.  We both  wondered why we had let him stay.  That was a profound moment for me and I'll never forget it.  It says a lot about his character or lack thereof.  I know I was baffled by what he said and I should have heeded the warning.  Instead I didn't listen to that nagging voice in the back of my mind and I remained the eternal optimist.
     He would later throw things at me in anger  and claim it didn't count because after all, they had only been small things.

RUN!

I Am Strong

      I was doing things around the house one day while he was napping on the couch.  An hour later I sat down at the other end and he woke up.  I asked him how his nap was and to my surprise he started yelling at me, "I didn't take a nap!" "You make too much noise!"  Once the yelling stopped, he wouldn't talk to me until the following day.  That was my reality.   These behaviors came out of nowhere.

     He had gone back to one of his old tricks of late.  Sitting three feet from me he would start mumbling "You're stupid".  Each time he said it he would attempt to get me to agree with him by saying, "Right?”  He used to say, “You’re ugly” under his breath at a level that I could barely hear him.

I heard him.

The Power Game

  Another of his exes calls this the power game and appropriately so.  I received my much needed validation through her over three years ago and it continues today.  What's a girl to do?  We have to take care of ourselves and my mind had taken a beating over the course of many years.  I reached out and was met by an Angel.


  She says she is the bitch, circa 2002-2004 and then asks, “Is that right?”  She has a good sense of humor and we have had many good laughs at Seth's expense.  There is pain in that humor but it helps to know I’m not crazy and neither is she.  I know I’m not crazy, because Alina told me so! 
Seth she said, is full of twisted hate.  “Run like the wind!” She told me, “His cruelty is startling!”


  We have exchanged phone calls, emails and text messages.  With the hint of southern accent in her soft voice she relays stories of their past and encourages me in her new found happiness.  Her quick wit knows no bounds and with this comes healing.

  Alina asks me, "Has he ever played the power game with you?"  I am quick to ask, "Which one?" Then I whisper, "Yes."  I know exactly what she's talking about.  We are kindred spirits, friends and have both survived his psychological torture. 


  The power game is a mentally and physically agonizing sexual game.  The sense of frustration and pain left me feeling totally inadequate and like Alina, I was ill equipped to deal.  I didn't know the rules and didn't understand the game.


  Seth enjoyed asking for the same things any normal man would.  The problem was, Seth didn't react in the manner of a normal red blooded male.  His body did but his mind was another matter entirely. 


  He had asked Alina to dress up sexy and to wear heels for him.  She thought it would be fun and felt provocative and sexy as she donned her spikes that included an inviting, revealing costume.  With a seductive sway she approached Seth.  He started laughing and a cruel smile appeared.  He brutally criticized her shoes, made fun of her overall and took pleasure in the obvious pain on her face.  There would be no seduction that night only pain and humiliation.


  This is very emotionally damaging.  We make ourselves vulnerable because we trust.  We trust because we love.  Our psyche doesn't understand the conflicting responses our partner is conveying. This leaves us both confused and hurt struggling to make sense out of something that defies all logic.


  One morning as I was getting ready to leave for class Seth called me over to the bed.  He was naked and inviting and started tempting me back under the covers. Tensions rose, I was once again naked in bed with Seth and enjoying every minute of it.  We were in the middle of a very heated moment when Seth stopped, pulled away and started laughing. 


  I am a healthy, sexual woman and when he told me I was going to be late, I said I didn't care, "What's a few minutes?"  His body was telling me the same thing.  He started pushing me away.  Seth said, "Tonight we'll finish what we started."  I wanted to slap the joy he took in my frustration off of his face. This was the first instance for me of his, "power games".


Tonight never happened.  This would begin a part of his sadistic physical and mental sexual torture.
  He thrived on creating confusion and discord.  Although Alina didn't launch the candlestick during one of these sexually demeaning and frustrating interludes, she could have with complete understanding.





 
 

Sharing Secrets

The time has come to air out all that dirty laundry.  I will be hanging it all for public display and I won't be holding anything back.


  Through my own personal in house terrorist came sorrow, depression, humiliation and a sense of isolation.  I lived his boot camp for many years.  He stole my joy and his torment knew no bounds.  I'll relive my life with a twisted soul and share with you the warning signs that I blindly chose not to see. 


  My hope is that I can help others with their journey through hell, healing and possibly prevent another abuser from taking a stronghold in your life or that of someone you love. 


 




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