Another Secret

  After much consideration, I've decided to share one of my own issues that resulted after years of his abuse.  The aftermath of being beaten down verbally was harsh.  I had reached my lowest point about three months prior to his hasty departure.  I could take no more.  There was nothing left in me to give.  He was relentless in his attacks, and I felt worthless, unloved and undeserving of love.


  I felt as though no one liked me any longer, and I had become apprehensive in my approach to people.  He made sure to tell me whenever possible, that they didn't like me.  He would tell me often  that my family said I was crazy, or that they were making fun of me behind my back.  He told me people I had just met asked him, why I gave them dirty looks and told him they didn't like me.  The problem was, I had started to believe what he said to me.  He was alienating me as much as possible with his underhanded methods.


  He repeated what he said others told him about me.  What he said was rarely, if ever, positive.  I felt attacked in every aspect of my being.  He said I was lazy, although, I was working six days a week.  He said he would have quit my job if it had been his decision.  He hated my hours and said it left us no time with each other.  He was totally unreasonable with his, not so subtle demands.  He was tired of cooking dinner and didn't understand why I never cooked.  I made breakfast and didn't get home until nine in the evening.  I tried reasoning with him to no avail.  I don't know why I bothered.  I told him I would fix dinner after I was home if he wanted me to.  Still, he feigned ignorance as to the whys of my not being able to cook the evening meal.  He insisted that he eat early in the evenings which made it impossible for me and he knew it.  Sundays we barbecued and I would prepare everything.  He would throw it on the grill and complain that he still had to cook.  His put downs and attacks were embellished by his sense of entitlement.


  Between the "HI's" and the "What are you doing tomorrows" that came in rapid, unending succession, I was quickly becoming a stressed out mess.  I was getting no peace and found myself afraid to do or say anything.  My emotional piranha gave me no breaks - he was relentless.  His smug arrogance allowed him to feel no pangs of conscience, where most would. 


  I had begun to think that being run over by a truck was a happier ending than the one I was living.  I no longer cared.  I quit going places and when we were invited out, he set me up for failure.  I felt entirely alone.  I didn't believe that anyone understood what was taking place.  I heard that he and I just brought out the worst in each other.  I gave up trying to explain what he was doing to my psyche.


  I was in a  confused state of mind, and my focus was on trying to figure out what I was doing wrong.  I became disorganized in my thinking.  I became incapable of thinking rationally with regard to our relationship.  I was looking forward to that truck.  I didn't care if I lived or died.  I had a talk with God and told him that I was ready whenever he was. 


  That was my lowest point and it lasted about a month.  Not much later, God and I had another talk after my epiphany, early one morning.  While sitting on my back steps I looked up and asked him to remove the evil, destructive man from my life.  I begged him for help and he answered my prayer.  I realized my abuser had taken all my personal power.  In reality I had let him, but not intentionally. I had never met a person who I would consider to be a truly bad one.  I can no longer say that.  I know now that he isn't a good person at all.  I had made a very bad choice in allowing him into my life.  I didn't listen to that little voice as it told me to run.


  If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine, it's time to escape.  I felt alone and terrified of what he would do to me next mentally.  I never want anyone to live like this.  Reach out to someone and do what I didn't, run!