Hot Flashes and Memory Lapses

Between hot flashes and memory lapses there is the occasional romanticizing of our relationship that never was.  I believe most of us do this and grieve the loss of what we thought could have been or the fantasy of what was.  The truth of living with an abuser is quite alarming and it's not a parallel universe while we're there.  No one person is an extension of another, although they would like to believe we are.


Once in a while I say to myself, "It could have been so good." Then I think,  "Really? I doubt that." 


My book, The Man in the Mirror stands at about 50,000 words.  Through the process I have been told to add visuals and additional dialogue.  I have to draw a picture of the bait and switch that took place.  It's difficult for me because I know the reality and sticking strictly to the facts in black and white is much easier for me.  To put his utter nonsense in writing is problematic and challenging.  I feel duped.


I loved to kiss that man.  That's one of the things that was taken away or withheld fairly early on.  It still happened occasionally if I went in for the kiss.  The entire time I am hitting the computer keys it's in utter frustration.  What's playing out in the back of my mind while attempting to put a love story together are his cruel words and actions down the road. 

With resolve and tears streaming down my face, I somehow manage to get some of those words thrown together and into a readable dialogue.  He swooped in as dopey, sleepy and happy and went out as the wicked witch of the west.  He melted into a puddle of goo within my mind and remnants remain to this day.


I forge ahead muddling through memories that I believed were real, at a time when it's possible they were.  His idea of love was much different than mine.