Jar of Hearts

     I think she sang this song for me.  I too learned to live half alive.  I was allowed no emotional expectations.  It didn't start off that way, but within a year or two I had learned that lesson.  It was part of my boot camp.

     I am ashamed to say that once and almost a year ago I, "took the bait" and let him back into my life.  It took almost eight months before I realized the error of my ways.  Either I'm a masochist (I definitely don't enjoy the pain inflicted) or an eternal optimist who believes that everyone means well, but doesn't see the error of "his" ways.  I had always believed that he wanted to be nice but didn't understand how that worked.   However, he knew what he was doing. It was without mercy that he obtained his pleasure and obvious control over me.  Not total control mind you, but my behavior was altered in an attempt to keep him pacified and out of fear of retaliation I had quit fighting back.

     I was living with a man, but I was lonely.  He had emotionally deserted me at some point, but I can't identify when it took place.  There were no comforting words or assurances when something happened.  He gave me defenses and denials with no validation of any kind which left my mind whirling.  Yet, I was expected to always have his back, lend an ear and give when I had nothing left.  I was starving for his love and acceptance and had I let him stay, I would have been destroyed emotionally. I can admit to myself now with little or no pain, that he never loved me. 


    My abuser made a conscious choice to avoid change or seek help.  He admitted in a few moments of humility that he knew there was something wrong with him.  He also said that he would do whatever it would take to make things right. He never did follow through on his empty promises and I'm now penning a blog.
I both feel and understand your pain.  Get out as quickly as possible!