Buzzing

I had to talk to him. It has been months since I have had any contact and I had to respond to a message regarding a property. I didn't want to and have avoided every attempt in the past including blocking emails, changing my phone number, blocking him on FB and ignoring his messages through a singles site. He has also decided that passing messages through my daughter is acceptable. It's not but I can't stop him.  Each time his name is mentioned I get the same distorted feelings.

I cringed as I opened the Words With Friends message. I knew he would start with his mush in an attempt at manipulation. My head was buzzing making it all seem surreal. I only addressed the rental  but that didn't stop him. He "misses and loves us". He still "dearly cares about me." He told me, "No fighting" when I responded and only addressed the house.  I have no fight  left in me with regard to him and simply wanted to resolve the issues at hand and forge ahead.

I don't understand why I get a screaming headache knowing I have to correspond or why I get physically sick even before I read his words. This affects me for days and the buzzing goes on. My heart feels as though it will pound out of my chest. This is what would happen when he would start in on me in the past while we were living together. I still feel the fight or flight mode kick in and although I tell myself I feel nothing for him, I am afraid of his words. Is that what it is, fear?

My state of mind has been confusion for two days since the exchange and that persistent buzzing comes and goes with each thought of talking with him. I feel like a ditz and my concentration has flown out the window.  It was suggested that this may be a form of PTSD.  That had never occurred to me and I found myself thinking that maybe I am damaged after telling myself over and over that I'm not.  I want this to all go away.  I want to be able to feel nothing with his painful words and continue on with the apathy I have felt towards him.


I sit here today with tears welling up in my eyes.  I know I have experienced horror with him but he's gone now. Today for the first time in months I want to cry at what he is and was capable of doing to my mind. I want to cry for a person who expected the best but, received the worst. It's over, but will he ever stop having an impact?  I can't imagine a run in face to face.  The potential for that is great, although so far I've managed to avoid it.  I make a point of not going anywhere that he could potentially show up and have missed out on some fun due to that.  It's crucial that I give myself time to heal completely before that run in occurs, if it ever does.


Life for him goes on without a bump.  In the past I have had women contact me with understanding at what he did to me and to them.  One in particular only saw him for a short time and she was devastated within months.


I wanted to say so many things to him. I wanted to tell him that while he may think he misses me he will find someone else to call a F**** B****, ignore, tell them they are stupid and ugly all the while making sure they don't get a moments peace. I didn't say any of this.  I did find myself feeling badly for whomever was going to take my place and become the target of his verbal assaults. I feel great compassion for the women he will victimize in the future or is already victimizing.  I had so much to say while that buzzing persisted and even now thoughts race through my mind.

The last breakup came with a prescription for Xanax due to the severe anxiety. I don't want to take those again. Am I a little nutty? I thought I was doing so well.  For now  my medication will consist of sitting on my back steps with a cup of coffee watching the world go by.