The Writing on the Wall

At some point each of use has come into contact with an abuser.  Some are exposed through work, public settings, we are currently living it or have lived it in the past.  Up until now I haven't listed any of the signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.  These are key and identifying phrases or tactics that an abuser will often use on you.

Until I read Patricia Evans book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, I had no idea what was taking place.  I only knew it didn't feel good.  She has written many excellent books and I would recommend reading all of them.

While I may not cover every sign of abuse, these are what I often heard from the man in my life.  I didn't understand what he was doing to me while he was telling me in so many words, that I was defective.  I also list some of his covert undermining.  I lived in fear of making mistakes as well.

1. "You're too sensitive" and "lighten up" were often his words when I told him he had hurt my feelings or offended me.  I would later be told by him that I couldn't use the phrase, "You hurt my feelings."
2. "You have no sense of humor" is what he said if I didn't think his jokes at my expense were funny.  They weren't funny and were hurtful!
3. "I have to do everything" is what he said if he had to take care of something he didn't want to.  His life was supposed to sail and my life was to be dedicated to making sure his did go smoothly. 
4. "Only you" is what I heard often.  If something didn't go in the correct order he would get angry with me and say, "Only you..." and start with the put downs.  I was fearful that I may have misplaced something that he may need and he would start with, "Only you".  I also heard, "You never" and "You always".
5. Isolation which can happen slowly. You find yourself no longer reaching out to family and friends or coming up with excuses not to spend time with them because of how he/she makes you feel about it.  You may find yourself thinking it isn't worth his or her wrath or they instill guilt for spending time away from them.  Mine made me feel guilty even when he was out of town.  Your family and friends may also see a gradual change in you.  You may hear that you are not the same person any longer.
6. Monitoring your time, phone calls or attempting to dictate your day can play out. 
7. Name calling had become a favorite pastime of his.  I was called a "F**** bitch" among others.  This didn't feel good at all and was crushing.
8. Blaming me was another one of his favorites.  If something went wrong it was my fault.  If something went right, it was his.  If he had a blowup it was due to me.
9. Controlling money and putting you on a leash while he doles it out to you.  They make it almost if not totally impossible to make ends meet.  I was fortunate that I had my own income to rely on.
10. Instilling fear by suggesting something could happen.  Often instilling fear is much more subtle.  I was told that if he ever wanted to hit a woman he would make sure it looked like she had hit him first.
11. You are told, "You're going to make me mad!" 
12. Manipulation which can be difficult to recognize.  He was a master manipulator.  You will feel that you no longer have a say in much of anything.  The guilt is almost too much and you may have that, "something doesn't feel right feeling" in everyday life.  You may also find yourself asking what just took place.
13. I was told I was crazy and he also told others I was crazy and portrayed me in that light.  I started believing I might be.
14. Refusing my attempts at affection.  I was pushed away often because, "Couldn't I see he was busy?"
15. Intimidation and yelling
16. Their sense of entitlement may have you jumping daily.  It's almost always about them.
17. The silent treatment is terrible and I often had no idea what I was being punished for, although, I came to enjoy it in the latter years. 
18. Put downs
19. Jealousy which can be displayed in any number of ways.  Sometimes it's not so obvious and mine was an advice giver and claimed he was only looking out for me.  He wanted me to know that men only want one thing from me and I was too naïve, then I would be lectured.
20. Physical abuse which can come in many forms besides the obvious.  Running into you, throwing things at you, pushing you and any other form of unwanted physical contact can be considered physical abuse.

I surprised myself by coming up with a list of twenty indicators that had impacted me directly.  I hope this list can help you find a path to healing and peace.