My Letter to Her

I was like you many years ago.  To my knowledge he wasn't married or living with another woman at the time, although you knew about me.  In a sense you had a warning in that.  I know he gained your sympathy by telling you how awful I was, and that's okay with me.  I also know that you feel incredibly special and cared for right now.  I did too, as did the others before me.

He asked me to marry him many times, and each time I refused.  So maybe you're not so special, but you can revel in that feeling for a bit.  Enjoy the honeymoon for as long as it lasts; it's going to change one day very soon.  You're going to see various personality shifts coming your way in the near future, and like me you aren't going to like them. He'll try to convince you that you're responsible for his shortfalls and cruelty.  Don't buy into what he's telling you - it's him, not you.  You'll find yourself modifying who you are in an attempt to placate him - sadly enough.  I know because I did this too.

The subtle put downs will start within months.  Something won't feel quite right, but you won't be able to put your finger on exactly what it is.  I notice you don't smile in your pictures; you never show your teeth.  That tells me he already has something to "joke" and tease you about.  Has he already started?  Don't worry, it will all be in good fun and he'll ask you (if you take offense), "Can't you take a joke?" or tell you, "You have no sense of humor!"  You're also going to hear things such as, "You're too sensitive."  He may even say, “You’re too intense!”

I want you to know that it's not you.  I will tell you this over and over again.  Remember my words.


Eventually a tickle of a memory of me is going to come to you, but you're going to push away any thoughts of “me” for the time being - I tried to warn you.

I hated what you had done until I realized that this was my way out.  No longer could he follow me and I hoped with you in his life, he might stay away from me.  I could now have some peace.  Did he tell you he wanted to stay with me?  Did he tell you that he thought he could come back into my home and my life?  I doubt if he did.  I also doubt that he told you he thought he would come home and pick up where we had left off.  My life with him was hell and I knew that wasn't an option.  I had no desire to live in his misery while trying to deal with his demons.

I had trips planned so I left town twice.  I wouldn't take him with me, and being in his physical presence made me sick.  I also didn't want him moving out while I was gone.  I tried to play nice, as difficult as that was.  I didn't want him taking any of my things.  He took some of my things anyway - much to my dismay.  I really wanted to slap the shit out of him and you will too eventually.  You may even do it!

I doubt he told you that two weeks after he came home, he told me he knew I would never forgive him for what he'd done.  Of course I was out of town when he sent me the text in mid July.  Men such as him are cowards and predicable.  He slithered out of my life without any of the sexual magnetism or curb appeal that he had come in with.

I actually said horrible things about you initially and called you all sorts of names.  I've resolved those feelings and now hold only pity for you and your children.  I pray that he leaves them alone, but he won't.  He may even use your older children as allies while attacking you.  It will be done playfully and slyly, but it will still hurt.

I also want you to know that when he throws the mean things I said about your physical appearance in your face, I'm sorry.  He will do this with pleasure.  I also attacked your character due to the fact that you knew he was with me.  You deserved that one.  I was hurt and angry and I'm sure you can understand. 

I have read some of the things you've said, and you remind me of me to some extent.  You're independent, you stick up for yourself, and you believe that he will too.  You're wrong of course.  You will be thrown under the bus at any and every opportunity.  Soon you will see that like me, you're not so tough.  Your mind will be bent just as mine was.  I made the ultimate sacrifice - my mind for a time, and so will you.

You wouldn't be happy to know that he sends me messages.  He misses my smile, which of course is an insult to yours.  He also misses and loves us.  Do you know he tells others that he doesn't love you?  Do you know he says you are a convenience?  Did you know that he was dating other women up until he moved in with you?  Do you know what a tough time he had leaving me, even though I ignored him and refused to call him?  I changed my number.  Do you know that he wanted to say good bye?  I didn't respond however, and you know none of this.  He didn't want to let go.  It's all about his ego.  He never loved me, just as he will never love you.

Do you still feel special?  I'm sorry for the harsh words but it's always about him, the narcissist or perhaps as suggested by others, he is a sociopath.

You have a good job, own a home, and I believe you are probably a decent person.  You're the type of woman who cares about others, are full of compassion and you may have truckloads of loyalty.  I know this because without these traits, he couldn't do what he's about to do to you.  I also know that he will attempt to conquer you completely.  You may become a shell of your former self.  Stay strong!

  Once again, know that when he starts on you or you see these things, it's not you.

 Remember my words when people he has access to start treating you differently.  This has nothing to do with you, but he will be telling them terrible stories about you.  You may sense that something is off but won't know what it is.  If he is working with women it's going to get particularly ugly.  It's not personal, it's what he does, although, it's still painful for you.

It won't be long before he starts gathering his army in preparation for what's about to take place.  I call it his fan club and it consists primarily of women.  It's his back up just as you were.  He can't destroy you without them.  And he will attempt to destroy you and smear your reputation - with a smile on his face.  He may already be leaving the crumbs in preparation.

He will be jealous of any outside relationships you may have.  Oh, and your ex-husband will be a burr in his britches.  He will complain of him often, leaving you feeling guilty that you have a decent relationship with your ex; one that's healthy for your children.  He will undermine this as well, or he will attempt to win your ex over to his side.  I bet you didn't know there were going to be sides in this did you?  This is an all-out war between good and evil.  I hope you have a good support group.

Later in your relationship (if you can call it that) you will think of me often.  You may be feeling a little crazy and want to reach out to me.  You will wonder where your joy went just as I did.  The circles you are running in at this point, will keep you dizzy.  He likes doing that.

About now you may also be wondering how you’re going to extract yourself, or kick him out.  If you put his name on your house or sold it so the “two” of you had a house that was "ours" and not yours, it's going to be difficult.  He tried that with me and thank God I never did it.  I bet the two of you had a joint bank account right away didn't you?  Why do you think he has a savings?  You can't seriously believe that he worked a day for that money, can you?

This is when it's going to get tough.  You may be feeling like you made a huge mistake and you did! You have no idea that he is most likely still sending me messages, do you?  He always told me that I was the one.  I had a target on my heart and he took advantage of my goodness just as he is yours.  No, I don't feel special and at this time, neither do you.

I want you to know that you are going to try and make it work many times over.  You may think about ending it, and for your emotional health that would be for the best.  You won't do it for a while though.  I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through now.  I understand it because I was where you are.  When the time is right you can reach out to me and I will talk to you.

I have my angel and she has been there for me just as I will be here for you.  He will never know that you talked to me.  I kept my angel a secret for many years.  She knew when I tried to make it work again, and she also knew when I'd had enough. 

I’ve also had other women message me that he had hurt with his lies and manipulation.  Did I forget to mention the other women?  Their secrets are safe with me just as yours will be.  If you choose to go back and try again, our conversations will be our little secret.  Know that he will never change, as sad as that is.  Also know that it's not you.

You’re asking yourself now how all this came about. 

It happened,

By Chance

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